Injured

I hurt myself pretty bad today and can barely stand on my left leg so I’m going to be skipping rehearsal. Yeah. I feel like an asshole. But I can’t do it tonight. It won’t be worth anyone’s time for me to pretend that I could.

Of Good Rehearsals and Fragile Egos

I had a good rehearsal of Hearts last night. The kind where I come home and tell the husband “I was good tonight.” I like those. And I fucking hate them. Because now it means the next rehearsal I will feel horrified by my total lack of <fill in the blank> and flattened because I felt the last rehearsal went so well. It’s a familiar cycle. And I hear you say ‘But you just identified the problem so now you can just face that soul crushing experience and say hey, I know this is just a by product of being so elated that all of your flaws are super prominent.’ And I’ll say to you ‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you?’ And I think the problem is two fold. First, I’m not altogether sure that the ego whacking I’m going to take is a terrible thing. It keeps me humble which makes me work hard all the time and it allows me to see where I was over confident before. The things that weren’t as truly meaningful as I thought they were in the moment of that last rehearsal. And second, even when I prepare myself for all the wrong things that I think I’m going to see in myself next go round I always leave some stone unturned. And it’s always under that fucking stone that the horrible disgusting squishy thing is lurking that’s going to make me cry and want to run away.

But enough about me and my fragile ego. I want to gush about my cast for a bit. M was so good last night. She had a private rehearsal to go over her monologues on Saturday and you could definitely see the work. She really is very good as Grace. And I’ve become more and more impressed with J. When the sweet scare little boy comes out he’s just a wonder to watch. Although his accent sometimes sounds a little bit like Foghorn Leghorn to me. And G is great as the drunken overbearing Mama. I hope that I can live up to their standards. That I can be just as good and do the show justice.

Oh yeah. And the kiss between Grace and Chloe was taken out. Yeah. I’m sad too.

Disconnect and a Confession

I am usually very conscientious when it comes to my roles in the theater. It's a matter of pride and a certain work ethic I gained from decades of dancing. That's why my current blasé attitude about learning the lines and even thinking very hard about my character is both a surprise and an embarrassment for me. I mean I know my lines. Not in the solid I know the words will just come way that I usually learn them but I know what they are. What my cues are. What the last words of my lines are definitely. That sort of thing. But not well enough that I can really concentrate on listening and doing because the words are not so ingrained that they will just spill out no matter how I work.

And my lack of character development is also surprising to me. I haven’t really thought about either of these women or what they really want. And that is a terrible lack. I’m trying to play them natural, of course. Make all of their movements real, all of their words that come out of my mouth real. But I don’t know why. I really didn’t see this total disconnect from what I am doing and the characterization until we did the rehearsal without E for Sweetness. It was like floating free without the third pin to hold us down. And I started to ask myself questions about my blocking that I couldn’t possibly answer without more thought into what is really supposed to be going on here. And then I realized I had never even asked those questions before.

I can’t place blame for these things. I think I maybe having trouble though because my husband is so upset at me for doing this show. And how it’s interfering with our time that I am reticent about working on it outside of rehearsal time because I don’t want him to be angry with me but that’s hurting my performance. I can’t keep going without doing the work that I have to do outside of the studio. So I am going to start doing the work right this second. I’m going to think about who I am and why I am. And I’m going to learn those lines so well they just spill out of me and ride on top of the action. Like Meisner would say I’m going to float them on top of the river of the emotion like a boat.

Off Book

I had my first off book rehearsals for both plays on Wednesday and Thursday. I told the director how new I was to the whole acting thing having been a performer as a dancer and using this to fulfill my ingrained performance needs. So on during rehearsals for Heart she had me and J do some acting exercises about listening. I really enjoyed them. But she's so concerned about being supportive and keeping our confidence up that she called me later that night to tell me not to think she was picking on me. I should have told her that coming from a dance background I would be way more concerned if she wasn't telling me how to improve often. As a dancer if your teacher doesn't tell you what's wrong with you at least once a class or rehearsal then you become complete distraught that the teacher or choreographer doesn't think that you are worth talking to because you'll never improve and then you'll never get cast again. It's a very twisted world dance. But I really liked the scene after the exercise so it felt like a useful and productive exercise.

I'm not sure how I feel about J. He's easy to work with. Very giving on stage. But off stage I'm at a complete loss on how to talk to him. Now it's probably totally my problem that I'm having a hard time being totally open with him on stage because I don't know how to deal with him off. And I am quite new to this so I know that I have a lot to learn about letting my guard down emotionally. But I wish I knew better how to be friendly with him in a real way so that I can bring that connection on stage rather than trying to produce it out of nowhere on stage. But that's what they call acting isn't it? And I'll have to learn it or never get any better at this craft.

Rehearsal for Sweetness was strange because E couldn't come because of car trouble. So it was just me and J. And I must admit that it was weird and oddly relaxing to work without doing the kissing scene. I SO have to get over my discomforture with that soon. I mean I AM getting better about it but it still makes me feel weird. I don't know how to explain it. Or why it bothers me SO much that I worry about it for hours before a rehearsal. I think it's the whole fear of letting go and being embarrassed again. So this show will be a real learning experience for me again. Every show is. Not be all gushy but I just love theater. It's always new and different. No matter how big or small your parts are. The playwright was there too so I was a little nervous at first about getting the words just right. Which is something I don't always worry about.

I am very much looking forward to my next rehearsals of both plays. Being off book is a really freeing experience. It's also a scary one where I realize that my body is act really strange. I do the limp wrist thing a lot on stage. I have no idea why. I'm going to spend a little bit more time looking at how I move during conversation in real life so I can figure out how to get myself to behave more naturally. I'm better off if I have a prop. I can always be natural when I have something in my hand.

The Milos

Well, I didn't win. Oh well. But there was a great after party where I got to hang out with some of the cast members from the other shows and drink lots. And I did. Drink lots.

I had such a good time. This is such a great theater group. I'm so glad to be part of it.

The Milo Awards

Friday night is the Milo Awards. These are the Parkroad Playhouse's awards in twenty categories. You know best actress, best actor, best ensemble, best play, best musical, that sort of thing. I am nominated for best actress. I don't think I'll win because it was such a strange play and the awards are voted on by the subscribers. Other plays this season were more crowd pleasing like Lend Me a Tenor and Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff? As opposed to the two acted disconnected 28 scene oddity that is Reckless. But Rachel is a huge and demanding part so maybe I'll get points for the numerous jawbreaking monologues and the fac that I never left the stage. Except to change my clothes before the lights came back up. So wish me luck oh single reader of mine!

Microdirection

Last night was my third rehearsal for Hearts. The floor is being painted for Friday’s Milo Awards so we were in the rehearsal space which I never like. I thought Saturday was a real breakdown. Tonight was even more so. Almost line by line. Lots of looking away. And lots of real microdirection. One step here. Beat. Breathe in. Say the line. Sit on this word. I don’t know. Maybe when I own the lines a little better. Like when I’m off book next Tuesday it will feel a lot more natural. Right now I’m real mechanical. And I feel like all of the choices have been stripped from me. But it’s too early for that kind of complaint I guess. We still have to stage the fight. Not having the porch yet makes it impossible. I’m starting to feel like I’m not acting yet. And its funny but I’m not sure if I always feel like this at this point or not. It’s an odd feeling of isolation and disconnection from the other actors. Where I’m not really listen and I am over anticipating. And I’m worrying about what I look like. None of these things are good. But I’ll be off book tonight and hopefully we will be back in the theater.