Off Book

I had my first off book rehearsals for both plays on Wednesday and Thursday. I told the director how new I was to the whole acting thing having been a performer as a dancer and using this to fulfill my ingrained performance needs. So on during rehearsals for Heart she had me and J do some acting exercises about listening. I really enjoyed them. But she's so concerned about being supportive and keeping our confidence up that she called me later that night to tell me not to think she was picking on me. I should have told her that coming from a dance background I would be way more concerned if she wasn't telling me how to improve often. As a dancer if your teacher doesn't tell you what's wrong with you at least once a class or rehearsal then you become complete distraught that the teacher or choreographer doesn't think that you are worth talking to because you'll never improve and then you'll never get cast again. It's a very twisted world dance. But I really liked the scene after the exercise so it felt like a useful and productive exercise.

I'm not sure how I feel about J. He's easy to work with. Very giving on stage. But off stage I'm at a complete loss on how to talk to him. Now it's probably totally my problem that I'm having a hard time being totally open with him on stage because I don't know how to deal with him off. And I am quite new to this so I know that I have a lot to learn about letting my guard down emotionally. But I wish I knew better how to be friendly with him in a real way so that I can bring that connection on stage rather than trying to produce it out of nowhere on stage. But that's what they call acting isn't it? And I'll have to learn it or never get any better at this craft.

Rehearsal for Sweetness was strange because E couldn't come because of car trouble. So it was just me and J. And I must admit that it was weird and oddly relaxing to work without doing the kissing scene. I SO have to get over my discomforture with that soon. I mean I AM getting better about it but it still makes me feel weird. I don't know how to explain it. Or why it bothers me SO much that I worry about it for hours before a rehearsal. I think it's the whole fear of letting go and being embarrassed again. So this show will be a real learning experience for me again. Every show is. Not be all gushy but I just love theater. It's always new and different. No matter how big or small your parts are. The playwright was there too so I was a little nervous at first about getting the words just right. Which is something I don't always worry about.

I am very much looking forward to my next rehearsals of both plays. Being off book is a really freeing experience. It's also a scary one where I realize that my body is act really strange. I do the limp wrist thing a lot on stage. I have no idea why. I'm going to spend a little bit more time looking at how I move during conversation in real life so I can figure out how to get myself to behave more naturally. I'm better off if I have a prop. I can always be natural when I have something in my hand.