Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Fear is Upon Me

Last night I went to see a tech rehearsal of the play my friend is directing. It is very funny. A sexual farce. I had a good time. But it also sent me into a spiral of self doubt. I know it was a tech but parts of it were messy and didn’t seem to get off the ground at all and it made me worry about the show I’m currently in. When you are deep inside the production sometimes you totally miss it’s most obvious flaws. And you start to wonder, am I believable? Am I trying too hard? Do I suck horribly and I just don’t notice?

We have had audiences of a sort with our rehearsal juries. But the people attending them are friendlies being acquaintances, friends, and family of people associated with the theater company. Not subscribers and other paying audience members.

I had the most horrible insomnia last night over the prospect of crashing and burning horrifically. Rethinking every choice I’ve made for every line I say. Wondering if I should read more Meisner or that will just make my deflated ego even more flat. I’m so tired at work today I can barely concentrate. And I have a full dress again tonight and then open tomorrow. I hope tonight’s run-through can help me regain my confidence.


Ty Unglebower said...

You are worrying too much now, which of course will have the opposite of the intended effect.

While I doubt seriously that you have "made all the wrong choices", I can say without a doubt that wondering about that at this stage will only make things more difficult. You are very close to opening the show. Try to breath more, and tell yourself that regardless of the outcome you have worked hard, been faithful to the project, and wanted excellence. (Excellence, not perfection.) At this stage, the show is exactly what it is going to be, so far as work and effort and techie stuff are concerned. So when you relax and accept that, you will improve what you will be doing in said show.

And note, I say you. The individual. We all want to be in shows that are excellent from top to bottom, but in the end, we are responsible for exactly one facet of a production...our own role. Just about everything else is out of your control, whether it goes swimmingly or no. So just do you best with what you have direct control over, and at least you will have done a good job personally.

Put away Meisner, he;s only going to fray your nerves even more. Just have faith that the role is already in you, and go forth on instinct now. Such is the way to excellence at this point.

One last thing...remember how shows somehow magically tend to transcend what they have been once an audience shows up...

The Blogmaster said...

Stop being self critical.

Muzak Box said...

Ty I know you're right but stage fright on dark night is pretty much par for the course and ritualistic for me. By the time I step on the stage tonight I'll be feeling much more confident and sure of myself.

This particular version of the fear is a much better version than when I used to stand backstage and think to myself, "I could just walk away now. Who would stop me?" Or at the show I opened on stage and I used to feel my face burning before the lights came up. That fear of being eaten.

I think the fear is useful. It lends to a much more charged performance. It's an energy I've been channeling since I was a little kid and was performing in my first ballets. But I can't use it if I don't feel it.